May 22
20+ Years in an Abusive Relationship
This is how I liberated myself and how you can too!
We hear stories of people staying in abusive relationships for years. And we’re intrigued because, in our minds, we think you can just leave. There are so many reasons people can’t or don’t leave. I can’t speak for others but I’ll share my story in hopes that it helps.
No one really talks about this type of abusive relationship when you’re growing up. And mine lasted for so long for one reason.
Me…I couldn’t walk away from myself.
The relationship with myself was so toxic. However, I didn’t realize it was an abusive one. It was the only one I knew.
I experienced the first sexual abuse around the age of four. My self-preservation trauma response occurred in two ways. Amnesia (which I talked about its effect on relationships later in life in this article) and self-hatred. You may wonder how self-hatred protected me. I’ll circle back around to that. Hang tight. 🤗
Before I get into it, I want to share a couple of definitions. One of the definitions of abuse is to “use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.”
And psychology today defines self-hatred as
encompasses continual feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and low self-esteem. People may constantly compare themselves to others, perceive only the negative and ignore the positive, and believe that they will never be “good enough.”
And that some of the signs of emotional abuse are:
- Demeaning, shaming, or humiliating a person
- Regular ridicule or teasing
- Delivering constant criticism
- Making acceptance or care conditional on a person’s choices
- Thwarting a person’s professional or personal goals
- Instilling self-doubt and worthlessness
- Gaslighting (making a person question their competence and even their basic perceptual experiences.)
Abuse + Self-Hatred = Emotional Abuse against the self 🤯
What did it look like in my world? It showed up as fear, shyness, fake smiles, and intentionally avoiding prolonged periods of time with people for fear of being “found out”. Desiring better yet not applying myself. Starting something but never finishing. I didn’t recognize what my actions were telling me.
I had a habit of not celebrating or acknowledging the personal wins I achieved. I would always do just enough to get by because I didn’t trust or believe I could do or deserve any better. I always wished I was someone else, not recognizing my intelligence, gifts, and worth. I wished I was never born. I wished I looked better, I wished….(that is not an exhaustive list but those habits kept me exhausted). Basically, anything that prevented me from succeeding came from the foundation of my thoughts and focus.
The thoughts were so subconscious I didn’t realize they were the ones driving that behavior. If you don’t know to correlate your results to your innermost thoughts, you don’t realize your actions are telling you what you need to know in order to make a change/shift.
My actions showed I didn’t trust my own judgment, and I didn’t believe in myself. Those mental conversations were so subtle and habitual, though, I didn’t notice them. That was just how life was for me. Constant inner turmoil, devaluing, of who I was. The external result I was getting matched that inner energy.
In my 20’s I read my very first personal development book, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. When I read “We are not our feelings. We are not our moods. We are not even our thoughts…Self-awareness … affects our attitudes and behaviors,” I woke up just a little. Wow, I didn’t have to continue merely existing and hiding behind my smile. I was both angry and relieved as a piece of the veil was removed from my eyes.
All I had to do was change my thoughts and focus. That simple.
Simple, not easy, the transition did not take place overnight. Years of not trusting myself still stood in between who I wanted to be and who I was. The mindset and habits I lived with created an internal chemical makeup that was a force I was going to have to face, and I had no idea just how strong it was.
The earlier you grasp this concept the better. It took me over 20 years to figure my way through my personal mind field.
Circling back to an earlier question regarding how self-hatred protected me, it made other painful encounters more bearable. If someone else disliked me, who cares, I didn’t like myself first. If someone else criticized something I did, tell me something I don’t know. It seems irrational but people avoid pain almost at all costs.
If you’ve used abusive ways to protect yourself, don’t judge it. Just squeeze out extra compassion, love, and grace for yourself.
So how do you learn to recognize the patterns of self-abuse? And how do you begin to shift?
My top 5 things to remind yourself as you grow through this transition:
1. The most important relationship you can have is the one with your subconscious mind. It’s fertile soil and will grow what you plant. The fruits from that show up in your actions.
2. Your past, though it has shaped you in certain ways, has no more to do with your future than you choose for it to. You are in control of your destiny.
3. If you’ve been in an inner toxic relationship for a while, have patience and look for signs of growth and progress. Stay focused on that.
4. Become very aware of how you feel in your body. Allow yourself to experience joy, happiness, and contentment. When you start to slip downward, intentionally bring yourself back up before you go too far. You’re rewiring your brain and body.
5. On down days, allow all the feels without judgment. Let the emotions process out, be a witness to it. Claiming them as yours makes it harder to release them.
Our past trials and victories are stepping stones, not roadblocks that shape us into the best version of ourselves if we choose to see it that way. An inner abusive relationship is like preparing to run a race with a weighted vest and anklets on and putting up hurdles in your lane.
You have the power to choose to remove the added weight and hurdles. My hope is that you make that choice. Whether with a coach, a therapist, or on your own, create the richest inner relationship to produce the life you want.
Best wishes to you! Please feel free to share the growth you’ve noticed so I can celebrate with you!
